MAY 1, 2010 – DAY 109
MAY 1, 2010 – DAY 109
Today I had a minor melt-down. The frustration with limited mobility set in and I just lost my mind. I HATE being dependent upon others. I hate living my life in the family room. I hate sleeping on the couch. I hate having to have my boys make me a sack lunch before they go to school. And, I hate waiting until they get home to try and get anything done. I really do.
The most embarrassing thing about it was I melted down all over my FaceBook page. I’m sure I will look back on it and laugh but it’s impossible to undo after you hit “post”. Even if you, delete the post right away there’s always one person who’s running around with the app on their phone and, ping, they’ve got it!
The FaceBook melt down wasn’t nearly as bad in my mind as the melt-down I had with my kids. They have been so great through all of this: deployed dad, broken mom. They didn’t deserve to have me freaking out about something as inconsequential as the cleanliness of the house. However, in my defense, I might have maintained some semblance of calm if it hadn’t been for the maggots I found next to the kitchen sink.
Anyone who is a mother can feel my frustration at this moment. We don’t have a garbage disposal so all the little bits of food from doing dishes end up in the drain plugs. The boys were just dumping those little bits on the edge of the sink. You know, that little spot designed for a bar of soap? Yeah, right there. I had been on them for three days about cleaning the kitchen and had been very specific about what cleaning the kitchen meant. Who knew I needed to specifically say, “Put the little food scraps in the garbage can when you clean the sinks out.“
I hobbled in on my crutches to see how dinner was going and, lo and behold, I find the little food pile. While explaining to them why we don’t stack rotting food scraps next to the sink, I grab the spray bottle of bleach and a paper towel to remove the pile of food scraps. That’s when I saw them. The maggots!
I LOST MY LITTLE MIND!!!!! And that is putting it mildly. Clean dishes started flying back into hot soapy water. The dish drainer got tossed in the sink and sprayed with bleach. Bleach started splashing all over the counter tops. Through all of this I’m screaming, SCREAMING, at my poor boys. “WE DO NOT LIVE LIKE THIS. HAVE YOU PEOPLE COMPLETELY LOST YOUR MINDS? DON’T TALK TO ME! WE ARE NOT NASTY DIRTY PEOPLE! DON‘T LOOK AT ME IN THAT TONE OF VOICE!” It was like something from a Bill Cosby monologue.
Meanwhile the whole time I am balancing on one foot and my crutches. At one point, one of them got close to me and tried to say something. I think I swung a crutch at him. Thank the Good Lord, the kid was quick and all I succeeded in doing was losing my balance and almost falling on my face. Which made me catch my breath long enough to storm (hobble) back into the family room, shouting over my shoulder, “No-one eats until that kitchen is spotless!”
And that’s when it happened; the FaceBook post. “Lord Jesus, help me not to kill my children during this period of helplessness and dependency on others! I just want to get up and do what needs to be done myself and I can’t and I want to SCREAM!!!! AHHHHHHHHG! oK, I feel better now – much calmer – thanks for letting me get that out.” All my lovely friends were quick to respond with words of encouragement and offers to help out. I finally responded to them, “I’ve just had a serious moment of frustration over the cleanliness of my house. I’m about to call Merry Maids.” Perhaps I should and take the pressure off the boys, and help me be a kinder, gentler, more happy mom.
All I know for sure is that I don’t think I’ve ever missed Richard more or appreciated him as much as I do at this moment. One thing is certain, if he were here, there would be no maggots next to my kitchen sink. It’s for times like this that I have to remember, “That which does not kill us makes us stronger!” Praying the Lord is gracious, in spite of myself, and that the boys and I all come through this time stronger and better.