FEBRUARY 2, 2010 – Day 31 – One Month
I woke up this morning missing my man. It doesn’t help that I’ve been sick for two weeks and that, despite the anti-biotics, my right ear is still blocked. However, there are days that I really don’t miss him. I think of him everyday and look forward to connecting with him via phone or Facebook in the evenings, but don’t really miss him. I am busy, distracted, enjoying the quiet and the solitude. Those are the days when I am getting together with a friend, or have something planned with the boys, or I am busy with some project. The days I set aside to write are the days that I miss him the least. Writing fills my mind and spirit in such a way that thoughts of him are pushed aside and I feel complete with purpose. However, today I awoke with that jarring, aching, soul baring loneliness that one can only feel when absent from their lover.
Having been through this deployment thing a couple of times before I know that it’s time for this depth of loneliness. It’s time for this sense of sadness. It’s time for that feeling as if tears are right on the surface and even the littlest of things can push them out and over in some embarrassing, time-inappropriate burst of emotion. In the past, I would wallow in it. Make it huge in my mind. Lose all objectivity and all effectiveness for weeks on end. I sank into the depths of despair with a complete inability to claw myself out. It was not a pretty thing at all. I would pull out that dusty volume of Sylvia Plath and revel in the darkness. I’m thinking that may not be the best response and that Sylvia needs to stay on the shelf this time.
Now is the time to re-arm, re-group and man up! This is the day to re-focus and finish the annoying little tasks on my list that are distracting me from the things that keep me positive and sane. Today I will complete the background check for that job on base and stop stressing that because of our credit I am going to be rejected again. Today I will fill out the boys application for the magnet school program and stop worrying that their school is going to be too far away from my work. Today I will pick up the stuff needed for the boys science fair project and try to remember how my Dad made that electrical experiment with the light bulb and the salt work. Today I will get out of my two-day old pajamas, I will shower, do my hair, put on make-up and a cute outfit. I will go to the award ceremony at the boys school and be there to comfort them if they don’t get any awards. I will pay the bills and pray there’s enough left over for a visit to the chiropractor. I know a good adjustment should clear my ear. I will smile, I will listen to U2, I will open the blinds and I will dance in the family room.
I will be braver and stronger than my sadness because that is who I need to be for those I love the most, including myself.